Have you ever listened to a question about your values, or a question like: Whats most important to you in a relationship? and thought: Thats so obvious that I dont even have to think about it? I know I have. Ill admit Ive been guilty of a kind of I know what I think so I dont even have to think about reaction. More than once. Its a sort of knee-jerk I know my own mind reaction. Of course, it begs the question: how do you know, if you dont even think about it? Could anything have changed since last you did think about it, if you ever did? And since thought is hardly an endangered commodity, whats wrong with taking a few moments to explore your own? The chances are youll come up with something really useful. This week I was working with someone who wanted to create a meaningful relationship in her life. She went about it with a lot of courage, she did the best she could and, sadly, ended up with an abusive partner. F. told me that she and her partner had connected more or less immediately. They had a lot of common ground; they had both had a difficult upbringing and been through bad relationships in the past. So there was a fair bit of mutual comprehension. She had taken that to mean not only that there was a lot of empathy and compatibility, but that they both wanted the same things. Like so many women, F. had worked on inference: if he says the kind of things I say, he must feel like I do. Generally, the simplest way to gather information is also the very last resort. If you ask questions you will, most likely, receive answers. The more specific and well thought out the questions, the better the answers are likely to be. This is one case where less is less. More questions will provide you with more information. Somewhere in all the information, you will start to see the vital pointers you need. Sure you have to ask in a non-threatening way. Its not an interrogation. But most people are more than happy to talk about themselves (you might even recognise the interminable bore before its too late). Only ask and people will furnish insights into their core values and the way they see the world. All you need to do is pick up on them. Someones core values, the ones they operate by in the enlightening anecdotes they recount, may not necessarily as reassuring as the ones that they pay lip service to. They may swear by honesty and integrity as principles, especially where you are concerned, but proudly tell stories of cunningly exploiting others. If someone is unwilling to talk about their past history that in itself is a cause for concern. F. was understandably devastated by the breakdown of her relationship. She also felt incredibly foolish. In fact, she had never been stupid, or blind. She had not seen and had not known what made her partner a bad choice, because she had not been taught what to look for. Suppose you were taught from an early age to cross roads without looking. Suppose you were told just to walk out into the path of oncoming cars, that everybody does that and it works just fine. Youd probably believe what you were told and try it. Armed with the misinformation you had, you probably wouldnt register the significance of the head turning other people were doing before they stepped out. Short of being incredibly lucky, youd soon sport the label accident prone always assuming you survived at all. Abused women, like F., are disarmed by all the myths about love and relationships that hold sway in our world. Nobody teaches them that what they dont know about relationships can harm them. Big time. A while back a reader berated me for pointing out that some women are much, much more successful at relationships than others. This reader accused me of suggesting that abused women attract bad things into their life. Clearly, no one in their right mind sets out to attract bad things into their life. Abused women, sadly, lack the training to know when they are in the path of a juggernaut. That is their problem; its certainly not their fault. |
